And when the second? We suggest how to deal with questions from friends and family when efforts to have a second child fail.
Couples who already have one or two children of the same sex often hear questions from family and friends: when is the second one? don't you want a daughter yet? when will there be a son? After all, it seems natural that if someone has already succeeded in becoming a parent once, he or she certainly does not have any health problems and can conceive another child. Nothing could be further from the truth. For there is a phenomenon we call secondary infertility.
In Poland, there are no reliable data yet to indicate what percentage of couples are affected by secondary infertility and are struggling with unsuccessful efforts to have another child. However, specialists estimate that up to one million couples may be affected by this problem.
It would seem that couples who already have one child can be happy because they have succeeded in becoming parents. That this fact somehow magically erases the pain of unsuccessful efforts. After all, they already have someone to love and cherish. Unfortunately, as is often the case, the truth misses the mark. - This kind of valuing not only leads nowhere, but can also cause additional pain. If someone has planned for three children, if he or she dreams of a home full of children's noise, brothers and sisters chatting or even that his or her child has a sister or brother as a support and a true friend, and cannot achieve this, he or she may suffer no less than couples trying to have their first child - admits psychologist Dorota Gawlikowska and adds that the problem of secondary infertility also concerns couples who, despite having children from previous relationships, want to have another child, now together, but cannot get pregnant.
And the family asks and asks...In such situations, uncomfortable questions often arise. Mostly they are asked by family members and friends who are not aware of the problem. Of course, they are asking in good faith, and also the subject of secondary infertility is not popular or publicised... They certainly do not have bad intentions, but - unaware of the problem - they have no empathy or compassion. They often persist in asking questions, dredging up unpleasant subjects and adding stories. It seems to them that the couple no longer wants to - colloquially speaking - play in nappies, that he is too committed to his job, or perhaps not just to his job, and that she has only just found time for a career, or simply that they want an only child out of convenience.
If one has not informed family and friends of the real reason for the situation or has not put a clear boundary on asking such questions, it is difficult to blame anyone and accuse them of nosiness. However, InviMed psychologist Dorota Gawlikowska appeals for forbearance and caution in inundating couples who are taking a longer break from procreation with questions. - Bringing up the subject of secondary infertility can be difficult for them. Especially because secondary infertility often touches on very sensitive issues. If a couple have met at a later age and both have children from previous relationships, or have decided to postpone conceiving another child for good reasons, convinced that getting pregnant a second time will not be a problem, and then are surprised by infertility, the man and woman often feel a huge sense of guilt. Added to this is the fear of unpleasant consequences of their previous decisions. In such a context, telling family and friends about secondary infertility can be quite a challenge, explains the specialist.
A ready answer to the question of having another childThe common answer to the question of when to have a second child is not to have one. Couples affected by infertility can spend years avoiding the subject, and eventually avoiding people who ask uncomfortable questions. Family relationships, social ties and the couple themselves suffer. This is certainly not a way we recommend, because the truth is better than lies and facts are better than conjecture. So how does one answer the question of having another child when infertility is involved? - It is certainly not necessary to go into detail, because the simplest answers are the best. Sometimes it is enough to simply say that it is not always possible to have a child exactly when you want one, and unfortunately nature does not always adapt to our expectations and plans," Dorota Gawlikowska suggests a ready answer.
This is the way to respond to a question about a child, both in the case of secondary infertility and when you are trying for your first child. Relatives who have enough warmth and empathy will understand. Of course, there are people for whom one or two sentences of explanation are not enough. However, by repeating these simple sentences to the point of boredom, you can put limits on people's insensitivity and curiosity, and that in itself is very important. This approach allows them to regain a sense of influence over their own lives, and it reassures couples who are trying to have a child that they can defend themselves against unwanted intrusions into their intimacy. This allows them to feel more confident and empowered," adds Gawlikowska.
If you have happened to put limits on asking uncomfortable questions, please share your experience. Every comment can be a great help to couples who would rather focus on infertility treatment rather than constantly measuring themselves against the expectations of those around them.
The medical information presented should be considered as general guidelines and does not replace the individual judgement of the doctor regarding the medical management of each patient. The doctor, after a thorough examination of the patient's condition, determines the extent and frequency of diagnostic tests and/or therapeutic procedures, taking into account specific medical indications. All medical decisions are made in full consultation with the patient.
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Invimed editorial team - we serve patients by solving their fertility problems. We use world medical knowledge, state-of-the-art technology and treatment methods. We are here to make dreams of parenthood come true. The smiles on the faces of happy parents give meaning to our work.
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